To my Bluebell,

I have a lot of explaining to do. Like how I fall apart each time you leave and how you being around makes me a better person. Or how I can only ever be still when I am with you – other times, I am constantly biting and tugging and cracking my finger joints. Or how men have always left and somehow, once upon a time, in my mind, i told myself, ‘no one understands me’ and ‘they always leave’ and i have subconsciously thought that into being. Or how being a woman these days has to be an expression of not wanting or needing anyone but always hiding that desire to love and to be loved; or how like a sponge, I absorb everything around me and it influences everything I do.

I know that I don’t seem like the woman in the picture you saw. What i am right now is as a result of fighting not to rush you and also be cool but fall apart and spiral looking pretty, independent and absolutely in control when the truth is that I have been the latter for a while. I know that I blame the voices for a lot – I forgot to blame them for keeping me non-chalant, uncommunicative, avoidant and utterly focused on myself. The numerous texts of apologies are my attempt in a swirling mind to grasp firmly at what the same mind has denied me.

I have secrets that have made me the way i am but upon your return, if you choose to, I will place my heart on my sleeve like an open book, for you to read. I will not mumble, fumble or tumble with the truth but let you decide on what next to do. Finding you must have been a gift, meeting all these years down the line – one from the sun and the stars, with their timing. I hope you will speak to me again.

For you pardon, I ask. To hear from you again, I pray.

Yours,
Adikinyi 🌸